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| Moody |
| 09.18.04 (4:13 pm) [edit] |
It's pointless writing about what I want.
Something worthwhile, something lasting,
The things that always avoid me.
I want to be something to somebody.
I need to feel like I matter enough to care.
Be certain before you say something to me.
You know a lot, but not that much.
I hurt and I'm afraid.
Being broken beyond repair, that's my worst fear.
Did you have to think about that?
Don't feel sorry for me.
Maybe I'm exaggerating, but it doesn't feel like it.
I don't know what to think half the time.
But that's me, I guess.
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| My Downfall |
| 09.15.04 (6:05 pm) [edit] |
All I wanted was an answer when you said it was the end,
When you made me hurt and scream inside.
Would it have been so hard to say you'd gotten what you'd wanted,
That I just didn't have anything to offer?
I can't believe I'm still thinking about this.
But hey, I still dwell on things from three years ago.
You'd think I would just get over it.
Heartbreaks have shaped me,
Given the form you see before you.
"Isn't that sad?"
Here's the surprise: you don't care.
You never talked to me, just repeated.
"I'm sorry."
Oh, shit.
I just realized.
I am what I've spent years trying to prevent.
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| It's official. |
| 09.14.04 (6:11 pm) [edit] |
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I am a published poet.
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| Say it Now |
| 09.14.04 (6:09 pm) [edit] |
"Am I wasting my time?"
She says to herself.
She looks at him,
He looks at him.
"Is it worth it?"
It's hard to fight against
His touch,
The way he was.
She thought this was
All she wanted.
And she's cried,
Longing for him so.
"Is this really what I want?"
They tried to put it behind them.
It's always in the back of her mind.
"Will I ever forget it?"
He says she's beautiful.
She smiles,
Wonders what he's thinking.
Say it now.
Her heart is in his hand,
Her feelings laid bare.
"Did they change already?"
She wants to be the one he loves,
But will she love him?
Nothing is certain now.
"Can it ever be the same?"
He kisses her hand.
Tears fill her eyes.
She looks out the window.
This was what she wanted.
"Don't cry, don't cry. You're happy."
She turns back and kisses him.
"Was he telling the truth?"
There's something in the way he looks,
Eyes closed.
A question mark wrapped in an enigma.
Epitome of confusion.
"Can I handle this?"
She's leaving in a few months.
"Will he miss me?
"Will I miss him?"
She flashes back to times
When he seemed in love.
"I hope it's still the same."
He wanted something new.
"Did he get it?"
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| Let's Just Say His Name is John |
| 09.14.04 (6:03 pm) [edit] |
Do you have what I'm looking for,
Or are you just what I've seen over and over again?
I'd like to know,
Does it hurt like I hope it should,
And will we ever be the same way?
"My hand is here."
Do with this what you will.
It's still very hard for me.
"I'm sorry for the time I told you I changed my mind."
Those two pieces of news were horrible,
And after I heard the second one,
I sort of hoped your dog would die.
"I don't think we should talk again.
You never listened to me.
I don't think you ever really understood.
Maybe it's because I couldn't explain.
"Everyone could use another friend."
"I never thought I'd need any others."
You were my addiction,
My one,
My love.
"Do you miss me?"
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| Cause For a Cut |
| 09.14.04 (5:59 pm) [edit] |
"Build me an empire."
I'll never fight again.
Draw your heart out so I can know what to do.
You're such an artist.
There's secrets in your eyes.
The shadows can no longer hide them from me.
You were almost the cause for a cut.
I knew you were too good to be true.
"Were you expecting that from me?"
So many yous, so many things I'm over.
One touch was all it took.
I think I'm wasting my time.
After all, this no longer matters.
"Isn't that right?"
I'll take your word for it.
I guess I was being selfish.
I would run back in a second regardless of past experience.
Do I ever cross your mind?
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| It's Friiiiiday!! |
| 09.04.04 (12:42 am) [edit] |
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Hooray for the weekend! Right now I'm waiting for class to start back up after lunch, so I have a little bit of time to post stuff. I'm so happy right now!!! I actually don't have a lot of homework yet for the weekend (but that will all change next period. Oh, well.). And, I have more time to spend with Arturo tonight, which rocks so much!!! Arturo is my boyfriend, my awesome awesome boyfriend who rocks way hardcore!!! He is the coolest!!! He is just great. But anyway, yeah, the day is almost over! Woohoo! Well, class is about to start back up, so I'll talk some more later.
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| Radio ACTIVE |
| 08.29.04 (2:07 pm) [edit] |
-Radio ACTIVE-
Be the one that makes me change my mind.
"You want me? Prove it."
Do I really believe this is serious?
You must be joking; I can't even be myself around you.
"Pull yourself together."
Asking for sex on the third day of our relationship?
I'm not even one hundred percent sure I should be dating you.
"I don't think so."
You don't have to worry about love;
It will never get as far as that.
"Believe me, I'm not the one."
I already know I don't want to be.
So don't fall; it's only wasting your time.
"I'll never love you."
You knew that, didn't you?
Bite your lip.
"Well, what were you expecting?"
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| Worthy of the Best |
| 08.29.04 (6:22 am) [edit] |
-Worthy of the Best-
Don't worry about my laugh.
It never mattered to you before.
I rest my head on my hands.
These emotions at best made me cry, which is saying something.
It's amazing what you did to me.
Sure, I might not be any more special than any other person,
But why shouldn't I believe I am,
Believe my heart, my mind, my soul is sacred, only worthy of the best?
It's hard to believe you wanted your life to end after three days.
You confuse and captivate me.
You were everything that I wanted.
Sometimes I can still smell you when I least expect it.
I still think of you when I thought I'd moved on.
Believe me, it's OK.
I miss you less every day.
No need to worry, though you probably don't anyway.
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| Delirium Trigger by Coheed and Cambria |
| 07.27.04 (9:09 pm) [edit] |
we're now up here alone terror on the intercom can someone save us
systems malfunction blast it this damn machine over and out captain
something lurks creeps on the counter top somewhere behind you
parasitic cyst i can't stand to watch it's coming up and out of your chest
remember when we were young
sit up right on the table a photograph of earth feeding me a way back
frightened i tear alone or maybe not the the only one there
hello... hello when it rings will you answer?
there corner tall short stance
it's you come on kill me!!
you made a good friend to me but while you were outnumbered
and torn they made us do things...
dear god, i don't feel alive when you're cut short of misery
will you pray it be the end? give a look surprise wide eyed to me
then you'll know just what i am the scare that triggers your fear
come know me in a different light come know me as god
run sand hourglass in my time will i be worth?
spin 'round carousel when your horse isn't screwed in
oh dear god, i don't feel alive when you're cut short of misery (raise forth lost cause)
will you pray it be the end? give a look surprise wide eyed to me (raise forth lost cause)
then you'll know just what i am (subtle demise the legitimate cry)
the scare that triggers your fear come know me in a different light
come know me as god (raise forth lost cause)
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| Nightmare-Reality-Check |
| 07.26.04 (10:30 am) [edit] |
-Nightmare-Reality-Check-
It seems like you don't know
Or that you don't care.
I've been around here long enough to know
That something isn't right.
And I've got a bad feeling about this.
I was aware that crushes are supposed to hurt
But this is insane.
I don't want what I wanted anymore.
Insecurities and old habits fill my mind.
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
This is my stomping ground, my territory.
I don't know what's going on behind my back,
And I have a feeling I don't want to.
But I do know that I think of this more than I should,
More than what's good for me.
I want nothing to do with you anymore.
Complicated, he said.
I don't want to hear this anymore.
How predictable, I thought.
You were nothing special anyway.
It's almost like I hate you now.
Yes means no, will means won't a lot of the time.
You still owned my heart anyway.
You could never explain anything.
I never wanted it to mean this much to me.
Your lack or remorse was, to say the least, shocking.
I've never handled heartbreakers well.
You were the only one.
Did you even care?
What could have been was just a dream
With a nightmare-reality-check.
And this is all your fault.
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| Here's Your Letter |
| 06.04.04 (9:43 am) [edit] |
blink-182's "Here's Your Letter"
Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke myself say goodnight as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me
Let go
I need some more time to fix this
Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused and
The conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit
Take it back
Are we cursed to this life
Fuck I can't let this kill me
Let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this
I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in
This silence
The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to Earth
And do you still feel the same way
Fuck I can't let this kill me
Let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this
I like that song. I like all blink-182 songs.
I received a phone call from an old friend last night. I wouldn't have minded taking it if it hadn't been the old friend who always tells me that he's in love with me. And he always calls at the most random times, too. He's really quite odd, but that's alright since I am too.
I don't really feel like finishing this chimichanga. So I won't.
Hoorah, I might get to see my lover tonight. :D
I don't know why I type all this stuff. It's not like anyone reads it anyway. Maybe I just enjoy it because I can get things off my chest.
I would really enjoy learning how to play the violin. That would be fun, I think.
Well, I suppose I'll go post on my other blog now. My mother put a time limit for how much time I can spend on the computer, and I have two other blogs to write on, and I've got a half hour left. I'll have a poem next time, if anyone cares.
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| Some random thoughts. |
| 06.03.04 (4:24 pm) [edit] |
Time will pass, and, soon, the only time you'll remember me is when someone asks you how many girlfriends you've had.
I wrote your name on a piece of paper and then burned it in an effort to forget you.
I'm sad, I'm angry. Typical rock-loving female teenager, eh?
How I long for the days of five, before I knew what heartbreak felt like.
Nothing is ever the way I think it is or want it to be.
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| Rent ruin |
| 06.02.04 (8:10 pm) [edit] |
Your lack of explanation is a little more than I can handle.
Your lack of explanation is not something I'm prepared to handle.
Your lack of explanation is nothing new.
Everyone uses all the same damn cliches.
They're things I don't really care to hear.
I'm thinking of your touch
And how it felt when you were with me.
I'm sorry I'm not what you want.
No matter how hard I try I'll never be enough.
So why should I try anymore?
And the fact I can't change your mind, it tears my heart in two.
Complicated, you said.
How predictable, I think.
On a scale of one to ten, did you really agree with my eleven?
Sometimes simplicity is a little too difficult.
I'm more complex than you could imagine.
My emotions are spent and ruined.
This is as honest as I can be.
I've never been one to admit when I'm hurt, but here I go.
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| For a short point... |
| 05.16.04 (7:47 pm) [edit] |
So there was a short point in my life where I considered becoming an atheist. That point was a while ago. Now that I've started going to church, I feel that, spiritually, my life is topsy-turvy. I just don't know if I'm ready to take God into my life. Becoming committed to a religion can be very life-changing. I don't think I'm ready, emotionally or spiritually, to make that kind of a change.
My family is thinking of getting baptised. I don't know if I want to. I want to research more religions before making such a commitment to one. I realize, of course, that just because I become baptized doesn't mean I have to remain in that religion. But I'd like to just know which one I'd like to be instead of jump around. Because there are so many out there.
This is what going to church does to my life. It makes me want to be more spiritually involved, but it also sort of drives me away. It's very odd.
When I didn't go to church and told people that I didn't, they would ask me if I was an atheist. I suppose that's what prodded me to consider it. But, because of my Christian upbringing and my sudden return to religion, I don't think I'm ever going to become an atheist. We'll just have to see, I suppose.
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| It's one of those rare blogs where I don't have a poem or an interpretation. |
| 04.27.04 (3:29 pm) [edit] |
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I'm actually going to talk to you today. Hooray. Cuz I'm sorta happy. An extremely hot guy came up and started talking to me today after I did my track stuff and lifted and whatnot. Which is especially shocking because I have my hair back and it's all fly-away and it definitely hasn't been one of my best face days. But I'm definitely not complaining! He asked me a lot of questions, like where I went to school before this and what kind of work my dad did and stuff. I was happy. Needless to say, getting over my ex is getting easier every day. Finally. So I hope I see my new friend again sometime soon. Like, tomorrow maybe? That would be cool. He was nice. Which wasn't exactly what I was expecting, seeing who his sister is. She's not always the nicest person. But oh well. He's cool. I sound like a nerd. Sorry.
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| Mesh of most (if not every) All-American Rejects song(s) |
| 04.26.04 (7:55 pm) [edit] |
Epitome of perfection.
Don't you dare say goodbye.
Carry me away.
Summertime.
The nights are so long. The leaves fall down.
And so do I into the arms of a friend.
I picked out your star.
Winter nights.
My bedside is cold for I am gone.
And spring blossoms you to me.
One boy, one girl.
My mind is just a crutch.
I still hope that you will miss me
When I'm gone.
You're sweet just like the sun.
If you're a dream
Then come true.
Be with me, please, I beseech you.
Please just don't play with me.
My paper heart will bleed.
Catch you if I can.
The All-American Rejects-a mesh of every song
Meshed by Caci *
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| Interpretation of The All-American Rejects's "Swing, Swing" |
| 04.26.04 (7:52 pm) [edit] |
Can you help me find a way to carry on again?
My heart is smashed by a former love.
Did you think that I would cry?
Do you know what it feels like, being alone?
I'll find someone new.
The notes are old.
They bend, they fold.
So do I, to a new love.
Carry me away.
You thought your problems were gone.
Swing from the tangles of
My heart is smashed by a former love.
I'll find someone new.
The All-American Rejects "Swing, Swing"
Interpretation by Caci *
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| Interpretation of Lost Prophets's "Last Train Home" |
| 04.26.04 (7:48 pm) [edit] |
And we sing to every broken heart in here
There's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
We sing if we're going nowhere.
We sing if it's not enough.
No more time today.
Sing without a reason to ever fall in love
Sing without a reason to never fall in love
Never fallin love again
Lost Prophets "Last Train Home"
Interpretation by Caci *
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| Interpretation of Incubus's "Wish You Were Here" |
| 04.26.04 (5:52 pm) [edit] |
I lean against the wind. Pretend that I am
weightless. And in this moment, I am
happy.
I wish you were here.
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
strewn across a blue blanket. The sky
resembles a backlit canopy with holes
punched in it.
I dig my toes into the sand.
And in this moment, I am happy.
I wish you were here.
The world's a roller coaster,
And I am not strapped in.
I lay my head onto the sand.
And in this moment, I am happy.
Incubus "Wish You Were Here"
Interpretation by Caci
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| What I'd like to believe. |
| 04.26.04 (5:49 pm) [edit] |
All that glitters is gold.
Are you sure?
No, but that's what I'd like to believe.
Embrace the now.
I am the novelty that
Flows from your being.
Trust in yourself.
Is fear all we have?
Take nothing for granted.
Soon it will all be a memory.
Put this in perspective.
What do you see?
We'll all find what we're looking for,
Whatever that may be.
What if it's not what we want?
How do we know what we want?
How do we know what we don't want?
We're not lost.
We're right where we need to be.
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| Sometimes you have to scream to be heard. |
| 04.25.04 (7:12 pm) [edit] |
How can you act like that?
I bare my soul to you
And that's all you have to say.
I don't know what's worse:
The fact that I did it
Or that I expected you to react.
Just take some notice.
Sometimes you have to scream
To be heard.
I can't scream any louder.
You must not be listening.
Pay attention to what I'm trying to say.
Maybe I should stop trying.
I said what I wanted.
Why bother any more?
You took my love
And threw it away.
What more can I say?
I don't know what to do.
I've never felt this way before.
I hate this all.
It's all your fault.
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| You never could explain it to me. |
| 04.23.04 (6:36 pm) [edit] |
[b]I'm underwater
Choking for air.
Come get me out.
I'm waiting for you.
Please help me.
This is where I belong.
Hurting here.
You never could explain it to me,
What it was you were feeling.
I'm ravenous for your love.
I need you.
Come back to me.
Recovery is slow.
How long must I be tormented?
You see what you can do?
To one as young as I.
So full of hope,
Of always wishing for something more.[/b]
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